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So I finally score—chick named Candy, legit, smells like cheap perfume and freedom. I’m happy as hell, braggin’ to Kyle in my head, “Suck it, Jew!” She’s quick, no drama, and I’m like, “This is my kingdom!” Costs me 80 bucks, tho—fuckin’ inflation, man, makes me rage! Still, worth it. Prostitutes ain’t just sex, they’re an adventure, like Aurora screwin’ her way through Africa. “A forbidden passion burns!”—that’s me, Cartman, livin’ the dream. Respect my authoritah, or I’ll find yer mom’s a hooker next!

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Yo, so lemme drop some secret: don’t miss that little bike trail behind the old cotton gin. I used to pedal there, wind blowin’ in my face, feelin’ free as WALL-E twirl in space, "Directive: Enjoy!" And ohhh, the local diner on Highway 37 – best burgers ever! I ate there maaaany times, sometimes slappin’ my meal down too hard ‘cause of excitement. Sorry cuz, 17 typos comin’ atcha: spap, relx, beutiful, amazin, trully, fantstic, spleen, wok, beatiful, surprize, fanststic, luv, bizzaar, hapy, shutters, wacky, fantasmic, and ovreall!

Thousands brave the summer heat for the 71st Annual Watermelon Thump in Luling, Texas