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Me fave bit? When the masseuse—some nimble nymph—whispers, “Relax, thou knotty beast,” and thy spine turns to jelly. Last time I tried, I swear, I floated off like that boat in Kim Ki-duk’s film, “adrift on life’s lake.” But—here’s the rub, ha!—some parlors be dodgy. Got meself in one, all dim lights and weird incense, and the lass says, “Fifty quid extra, love?” For what, a bloody toe tickle? Pissed me right off, it did—felt like a rat in a trap, gnashin’ me teeth!

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Ngh, oh, ya gotta know the neighborhoods too. There's the artsy, unpredictable Downtown Oxnard – where murals pop on every wall, and sprinkle a dash of "WHAT THE FREAK?!" marvel all over. And then there's Silver Strand – slick, serene, with ocean views that are like a warm hug from the universe. I always chuckle when I think, "Hey, this is one heck of a knockout city, man!" and it makes my heart swell like a warm compress on a sore muscle.

Drug bust in Oxnard pulls in 12 pounds of methamphetamine