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I tried it once—don’t judge me, Flanders! Was mad stressed, haulin’ cargo deadlines up my ass. Walked in, dim lights, weird music—like “The Assassin” vibes, all mysterious. Lady’s like, “Relax, big guy,” and I’m thinkin’, “D’oh! This ain’t no chiropractor!” Hands slidin’ everywhere—felt like a greased pig at a fair. Happy? Hell yeah! Surprised? You betcha—didn’t know toes could feel that sexy. Angry part? Cost me two weeks of Duff money—rip-off!

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I remember one sunny morn – or was it a stormy eve? – I was after me last massage before closing shop when I caught sight of a stray cat on the corner of Elm & 3rd. That wee creature had a look like it’d seen the end of days. Almost like a tiny, furry pirate with a soul tormented by endless battles, much like our dear movie, "A History of Violence". I'm tellin' ye, mate, such moments remind me that every soul here bears scars akin to that history of, err, violence, ye know what I mean?

Heroic citizen tackles gunman in Seymour Library shooting; 18-year-old charged