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Now, I roll up, and there she is—red lipstick, skirt shorter’n a pig’s tail! I’m sweatin’ bullets, heart’s racin’ like a heifer in heat! She’s all, “Hey, sugar, what’s your deal?” and I’m like, “Uh, just chattin’!” Total chickenshit move, y’all! Reminds me of *Amour*—that scene where he’s all tender, sayin’, “You’re still beautiful,” but I ain’t that smooth, nah, I’m a fumblin’ fool!

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Now, lemme talk ‘bout neighborhoods. We got West End, the real deal, raw and authentic. Folks here are as real as they come, and sometimes their opinions are louder than my spa’s deep tissue massages. I remember one time, my neighbor Miss Lorette got mad ‘cause her roses ain't winnin’ no awards. She hollered, “This city needs a wake-up call!” Y’all, that day I felt like even the river was chokin’ on all its own anger. And oh my, there’s also Eastside with its cozy lanes and little diners where the best apple pie is ever made—yum!

Tom Kutza, icon of Shamokin, dies at 82