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So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.

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The local parks? Oh man, there’s a laid back park beside the Gonubie River. I’d often chill there to test out my app's geolocation feature, watchin’ the ducks bob around. River vibes, man, just like that moment in Toni Erdmann when everything collides and life gets all loopy! I mean, who did think a dating app dev would fall in love with riverbanks?

New Gonubie drop-off site for household waste disposal