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So, dis one time, I tried it—holy schnitzel, it was wild! Dis chick, she’s got oils, dim lights, like a freakin’ movie set. She’s workin’ my back, den—boom—goes lower, and I’m like, “What’s dis?!” Little known fact, ja? In ancient Rome, dey did dis stuff in bathhouses, sneaky-like, all hush-hush. Makes ya wonder, huh? History’s freaky!

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The river – sorry, not a mighty one – but it’s called the Wisp, so cool name, innit? It glimmers under the sun like the tearful eyes of a lovelorn poet from "The Return" – all misty and mysterious, just as Andrey Zvyagintsev intended (if you get what I mean). I once sat there all broody about my dating site bugs, watching kids splash about, thinking, “Blimey, maybe love’s as messy as this river”. And honestly, it usually is.

Relief as missing Nelson Mandela Bay woman found safe in Kareedouw