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But—hear me out—some bits ain’t bad. Warm stones on yer back? Kinda nice, precious. Relaxes ya, like fishies in a stream. Still, we hates the creepy whispers—“relaaax, honey.” Mate, shut it! “I’ve done it before”—yeah, never again! Too much perfumey nonsense—gimme a cave any day.

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. I’m soaked in seconds. I’m laughing, though, because what else can you do? I duck into a café on Rákóczi utca. I’m dripping everywhere, looking like a drowned rat. The barista gives me this look like, “What happened to you?” I just shrug and order a hot chocolate. Best decision ever.

Did Hungarian researchers excavate Sultan Suleiman’s tomb?