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But—hear this—some swear it’s magic. Releases “tension,” they say—wink, wink. Little fact: them ancient Greeks did it too—athletes, all oiled up. Dirty sods! Gets me mad—why not just wrestle a pig? More fun, less awkward. We hates it! Too close, too slippy—makes me skin crawl.

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So, I’m sittin’ there, watchin’ the waves, when I spot this group of teenagers at the edge of the water. They’re screamin’ and splashing like they’re in some kinda water fight. I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what I need.” But then, one of ‘em, this girl with bright pink hair, slips and goes under. My heart drops. I blow my whistle like a madman. “Get outta the water!” I shout.

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