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Ok, so real tea—erotic-massage goes way back. Ancient peeps in India, like, invented it with Tantra stuff. Not just sexy time, tho—it’s spiritual, healing, whatevs. I read this once, half-asleep, and was like, “Whoa, mind blown!” Bet those monks were sneaky freaks, huh? Little known fact: some say Cleopatra got daily erotic rubs—queen shit!

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Finally, I grab the cat, and it’s all purring and stuff. I’m feeling like a rockstar. I hand it to the kid, and he’s over the moon. I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a cat.” But he’s looking at me like I just saved the world.