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Oh, and the oils – stinky bastards! Patchouli or whatever, smells like a hippy’s armpit. Makes me wanna puke, but they swear it’s “erotic”. Bollocks to that! Gimme a pint and a laugh over this any day. Still, if you’re into it, fair play – just don’t expect Oscar-worthy skills. “The play’s over, you’re free!” – except you’re 80 quid lighter, ya mug! Cacklin’ yet? You should be!

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After my dive, I’m feeling all pumped. I decide to stroll through the streets. I hit up the local market on Bahnhofstrasse. It’s buzzing with people. I grab some fresh fruit, and this lady tries to sell me cheese. I’m like, “Lady, I just dove in the Rhine. I’m not ready for cheese!” But she’s persistent. I end up buying some anyway. It’s actually pretty good.

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