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But oi, some punters piss me off – rushin’ it, no soul! Sexual-massage ain’t wham-bam, ya twats! It’s slow, deep, like a riff that builds. Surprised me first time, too – didn’t expect me knob to join the party, ha! “Sharon!” – mumbled incoherence – “it’s a bloody revelation!”

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Then I’m cruisin’ down Calle Conquistador, and I see this food truck. You know the one, with the best empanadas in town. I’m like, “Yesss, gimme that!” But the line? Ridic. I’m standing there, and this lady in front of me starts chatting. She’s all, “Did you hear about the new marina?” I’m like, “Uh, no?” Apparently, they’re building this fancy place for yachts. Like, who even has a yacht? Not me, that’s for sure.

Cody Fajardo (personal reasons) doesn’t practice