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Oi, mate, me name’s Ali G, innit! I’m a sign language geezer, yeah, hands flappin’ like a madman. So, erotic-massage, bruv, let’s chat dat! I reckon it’s proper lush, ya get me? All dem oily hands slidin’ about, wicked vibes. Reminds me of me fave flick, *Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring*—dat Kim Ki-duk ting, yeah? Bare deep, bruv, like when da monk says, “Lust awakens da desire to possess.” Dat’s erotic-massage in a nutshell, fam! Possession, but chill, ya know?

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Anyway, I’m back to Maria’s shoes, and she’s telling me about her cat, Gino. Apparently, Gino has taken up knitting. I’m like, “A cat knitting? Really?” But she’s dead serious. I can’t even.

Women's football: Lana Clelland urges more Scottish players to test themselves abroad