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Last week, yeah, I tried it meself – mate of mine, dodgy geezer, says, “Gardener, you gotta feel dis.” Booked a sesh, walked in all nervy, room’s dark, candles flickerin’ like in Wes Anderson’s flick when da kids run off to da woods. “What’s the rumpus?” I’m thinkin’, heart’s bangin’ like a drum. Dis lass starts wiv da oils, hands movin’ slow, and I’m like, “Blimey, dis is peng!” Felt like da bit in da movie where Suzy says, “We’re in love, we just wanna be together.” Me and da massage, bruv – true romance!

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When I get there, it’s a full-on art show! Like, who knew? Local artists turned the place into a gallery. I’m walking around, and there’s this massive mural of a cat wearing sunglasses. I can’t even! I’m laughing so hard, I almost spill my coffee. Then I see Vasyl, and he’s chatting up this artist who’s painting a giant sunflower. I’m like, “Dude, you’re gonna need a bigger canvas!”

RF Armed Forces advanced near the highway from Pokrovsk to Kostyantynivka, - DeepState