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About Heraklion

Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—yep, the witty dwarf who drinks and knows things. So, here I am, your bloody Mountain Guide, trudging through peaks and valleys, and you wanna talk sexual-massage? Ha! I’ve seen weirder shit atop these cliffs, trust me. Picture this: sweaty hands, oiled-up backs, and me sipping wine, judging it all. Reminds me of *Far From Heaven*—you know, my fave flick, Todd Haynes, 2002. That line, “I’m going to have a party,” hits different when you’re kneading someone’s arse, right?

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After that, I’m like, “Let’s hit the market.” So I head over to the central square, where all the vendors are. Fresh fruits, veggies, and the smell of grilled souvlaki everywhere. Heaven! I grab some olives, and this old guy starts chatting me up. He’s telling me about the history of Xylokastro, how it used to be a big deal during the Greek War of Independence. I’m nodding, but honestly, I’m just thinking about how I can’t wait to eat those olives.

Two dead as wildfire rages near Greek holiday resort Xylokastro