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Now, *Pan’s Labyrinth*—that line, “The moon will be full”—fits here, don’t it? Full o’ mystery, this massage lark. Sometimes it’s all candles an’ whispers, other times it’s a bloke named Dave gruntin’ over ye, an’ yer like, “Mate, this ain’t seductive, it’s a wrestle!” Had me ragin’ once—paid good coin fer a “sensual escape,” got a lecture on me posture instead. Posture! I’m a pirate, not a bloody governess!

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Anyway, I start snippin’ away, and outta nowhere, this cat jumps out. I swear it was a lion in disguise. It freaks out, and I drop the scissors. They go clattering like a drum solo on the pavement. Old lady’s laughin’ her head off. I’m just standin’ there, red-faced, like, “Great, now I’m the village idiot.”

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