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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially massages makin’ me feel weird. Erotic-massage? Pfft, buncha nonsense. Some gal rubbin’ ya down with oil, whisperin’ sweet nothins? I’d rather wrestle a bear. But fine, I’ll tell ya ‘bout it, since you’re beggin’. Watched “Oldboy” last night—best damn movie ever. That line, “Laugh and the world laughs with you,” fits here. ‘Cept nobody’s laughin’ when yer gettin’ kneaded like dough.

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But then, the day takes a turn. I’m walking back home, feeling all good, when I see a bunch of kids playing football on Strada Călărași. They’re having a blast, but then one of them kicks the ball right at me. I dodge it like a ninja, but then I trip over my own feet. Classic me, right? The kids laugh, and I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up!” But inside, I’m dying.

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