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Aye, mateys! It’s me, Eric Cartman, sailor extraordinaire! Sexual-massage, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s a freakin’ wild ride! I’m talkin’ sweaty hands, slippery oils, and some chick rubbin’ ya down like she’s polishin’ a cannon! Respect my authoritah! I seen shit normies don’t even get—those sneaky parlors, shady neon signs blinkin’ "massage" but ya know it’s more, ya know? Like in *Spring Breakers*, “This is the fuckin’ American dream!”—gettin’ pampered ‘til ya melt, bitches!

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Man, what a day! I swear, Candelaria-Arenas is wild. Like, you think you know a place, then BAM! It hits you with all this craziness. So, I woke up late, as usual. My alarm? Yeah, it decided to take a vacation. I jumped outta bed, threw on whatever I could find. You know how it is.

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