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But the fakes? Christ, they piss me off! Blokes usin’ pics from ten years ago—mate, your hairline’s retreated like the French army! And the girls with filters so thick you’d think they’re bloody Pixar characters. Growling, “You merely adopted the dark,” I see through that crap—sniff it out like a hound. Did ya know some sickos use sex-dating apps to scam cash? True story—bloke in Leeds lost 500 quid to a “hot babe” who vanished. Gutted, I was, readin’ that.

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So, I finally grab my coffee and head to work. The prison’s on the outskirts, near the Taupo Airport. You’d think it’d be quiet, but nah. I walk in, and the vibe is off. Like, you can feel the tension in the air. I’m thinking, “What now?” Turns out, one of the inmates decided to stage a protest. Yeah, a protest! In a prison! They were chanting something about “freedom” and “rights.” I’m like, “Bro, you’re in prison! What rights?”

Councillor on 8am hedge trimmer errand caught drink-driving for fourth time