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Hiss—me tried it once, slippery table, dim lights. Lady says, “Breathe deep,” and I’m thinkin’, “What’s she plannin’?” Felt good, tho—muscles all loosey-goosey. But then, ssss, she gets too close, and I’m like, “Back off, no funny business!” Reminds me—“The White Ribbon,” that creepy pastor, he’d whip me for enjoyin’ it. “Sinful hands!” he’d screech. Pfft, he can shove it.

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So, I’m laughing it off, right? But then I see this old babushka on the corner of Komsomolska. She’s selling these homemade pastries. I mean, who can resist? I grab a couple of those pirozhki, and let me tell ya, they were heavenly! I’m munching away, feeling like a king, when suddenly, this dude on a bike zooms past me. Almost knocks me over! Like, chill, bro! It’s not a race!

‘The most terrible camp’: After 80 years, cruelty of SS site on UK soil revealed