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Once, I got this massage, right? Guy’s hands were EVERYWHERE, I’m like, “Whoa, slow down, Romeo!” Felt like a scene from the movie—“What’s my motivation here?” HA-HA-HA! I’m lyin’ there, half-naked, thinkin’ deep thoughts—am I the masssage or the massaged? Total Kaufman vibes. Oh, and the oils? Slippery as hell, nearly fell off the table—talk about drama!

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I start measuring stuff, trying to keep my cool. But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches my sandwich right outta my hand! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I mean, who knew seagulls had such guts? I’m pretty sure that bird was laughing at me.

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