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So, mate, picture this—some bloke I knew, yeah, swore them erotic-massages cured his bad back. Bollocks! Came out smellin’ like lavender and regret, he did! Cost him a tenner more than a regular rub-down—sneaky buggers, them masseuses! Little known fact, precious—back in old Thailand, they’d mix fish oil in the rub, stank like a riverbed, but folks swore it woke the “energies.” Energies, my arse! We hates it! All that kneading and moaning—too close, too sticky!

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I found this gorgeous dress, but it was way too small. I mean, I’m not a size zero, and I’m not about to squeeze into something that tight. So I asked the shop assistant, and she was like, “We can order a bigger size.” I was like, “Great, but I need it by tomorrow!” She looked at me like I was crazy.

ERR in Latvia: Via Baltica-bottlenecking Salacgriva Bridge to be replaced