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Now, my favorite flick—“The Lives of Others”—you seen it? That East German vibe, all tense and quiet? There’s this line, “I want to be alone,” and I’m like, hell no, not during an erotic-massage! Alone’s the last thing ya want! I’m lyin’ there, feelin’ fingers dancin’ on my spine, and I mutter to myself, “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” Got me happy, real happy—‘til she hit a knot in my shoulder from a bad drop. Ouch! Made me mad, too—damn parachute landings mess ya up!

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But wait, it gets better! I’m sittin’ there, and I overhear this couple arguing. They’re goin’ at it, and I’m just tryin’ to enjoy my coffee. The guy’s like, “You never listen!” And the girl’s like, “Well, you never talk!” I’m thinkin’, “Wow, relationship goals right there.” I almost wanna give ‘em advice, but nah, I’m not gettin’ involved.

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