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Oh, and—funny story—heard bout this escort, “Lola.” Total legend. Drove a speeder tricked out with neon—clients lost their minds. “This isn’t a man, it’s a dream!”—straight outta the movie, bro. Surprised me, how creative they get. But then—ugh—some sleemo stiffed her. No tip! Had me ragin like a Wookiee. Hate cheapskates, man.

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First off, I had a meeting at this café on Hackney Road. You know, the one with the weird art on the walls? Yeah, that one. I’m sitting there, sipping my flat white, when this bloke walks in. He’s got a parrot on his shoulder! Like, who does that? I’m thinking, “Is this a new trend? Should I get a pet parrot?” Anyway, he orders a scone and just sits there, chatting to his bird. I’m trying to focus on my client’s policy, but all I can think about is how I’d look with a parrot.

Silent soldier statues to appear at five London Tube stations for VE Day 80th anniversary