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Surprised me once, tho—met a gem! Proper sweet, we clicked, no fakery. “Do you want to die?” I nearly asked—movie line, y’know? Didn’t, phew! She’d have legged it. Sex-dating’s a circus—clowns, tightropes, chaos! Me, I’m jugglin’ hope and dodgy pics. Exaggeratin’? Maybe! Once swiped a gal, profile said “model”—turned up, she’s a mannequin! Literally! Shop window escapee, I reckon. I’m wavin’ arms, mumblin’, “Bloody hell, not again!”

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I’m trying to slurp my noodles and respond to emails at the same time. Multitasking? More like disaster waiting to happen. I spilled broth all over my shirt. Great. Just great. Now I look like a walking ramen ad.