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Alright, listen up, you degenerates! Sex-dating’s a freakin’ mess, lemme tell ya. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout “Fish Tank,” that gritty flick I love—2009, Andrea Arnold, pure gold. Mia, that wild girl, dancin’ her way through chaos, reminds me of sex-dating apps. Swipe, swipe, bang—everyone’s lookin’ for somethin’, but half the time it’s just lies! “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!”—that’s what I’d yell at these clowns fakin’ their profiles.

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Finally, I get home, and I’m like, “I need a nap.” But nooo, my phone starts buzzing. It’s my mate, Sam. He’s like, “Let’s hit the pub!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m soaked!” But he’s persistent. “C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

School bus crashes into ditch