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Now, lemme spill the beans—did ya know, back in ancient Rome, they’d rub ya down with olive oil, proper posh like? *Massage* from Latin *massare*, to knead—kneadin’ ya like dough, mate! Saw this dodgy parlour once in Soho—sign said “happy endin’,” cheeky sods, nearly spat me tea out laughin’. Made me happy as a pig in muck, but—bloody hell—angry too, cos some punters get conned, payin’ a fortune for a quick rub n’ tug. Surprised me, the nerve of it!

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After a bit, the lights flicker back on, and I’m relieved. But then, I see this guy at the bar. He’s been nursing a beer for ages. I go over, and he’s like, “I’m waiting for my date.” I’m thinking, “Dude, she’s not coming.” But I keep my mouth shut.

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