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Lemme paint ya a picture, right—imagine me, watchin’ *12 Years a Slave*, that bleedin’ masterpiece, Steve McQueen, 2013, proper gut-puncher. Solomon Northup, poor sod, toilin’ away, and I’m sat there, munchin’ a scone, thinkin’—blimey, coulda used an erotic-massage, couldn’t he? “I will not fall into despair!” he says, all noble-like, while I’m dreamin’ of some lass kneadin’ me shoulders, whisperin’ sweet nothings. Total contrast, innit—slavery’s grim shackles versus the slippery bliss of a massage table.

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First off, I’m rollin’ down Rue de la Gare, and I spot this old lady. She’s got a garden that looks like a jungle. I mean, I love plants, but c’mon! It’s like Tarzan could swing through there. So, I offer to help her out. She’s all like, “Oh, sweetie, you’re a lifesaver!” I’m thinkin’, “Yeah, I’m a hero today!” But then she hands me a pair of rusty scissors. Like, seriously? I’m not trying to catch tetanus while saving her begonias!

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