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So, check dis out – I tried it once, yah? Big strong hands, oil everywhere, I’m like, “Dis is da pump I need!” Felt like a Terminator gettin’ rebooted, but softer, ya know? Made me happy as hell – tension gone, boom! But den, dis one time, some schmuck rushed it – no vibe, no soul! Pissed me off, man! I’m yellin’ in my head, “Gimme da real deal or I’ll be back to crush ya!” Ha, yah, I said it!

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While I’m munching, I overhear some locals chatting about the old Brotton railway. Apparently, they’re thinking of revamping it. I’m like, “That could be cool!” Imagine a train running through the countryside, with live music on board. I’m already dreaming up a gig idea.

Inside the £950k former chicken farm with stunning clifftop views and quirky features