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Favorite part? When it works, ya feel like a king—like I’m sittin’ at that big table in Pan’s Labyrinth, feastin’. This one time, hooked up with a gal, total firecracker, no strings, just fun. Left me happy as a clam, thinkin’, “This is the life, eh?” But then you get the clingers—texts at 3 a.m., “Where you at, Tone?” Pisses me off! I ain’t your babysitter, go cry to someone else!

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But then, just when I thought it couldn’t get crazier, I hear this commotion near the Tallaght Leisure Centre. I rush over, and there’s a crowd gatherin’. Turns out, some kid’s tryin’ to do a backflip off the diving board. I’m thinkin’, “This is gonna end badly.” And guess what? He lands it! The crowd goes wild! I’m standin’ there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?”

Death Notice of Mary Prior (née Keevey) (Tallaght, Dublin)