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One time, I see escort—blonde, big boobies, wow! She wink at me, I think, “Very nice!” She say, “50 buck, I make you happy.” I laugh, “In Kazakhstan, we trade goat for that!” She no like that, get mad—face red like tomatoe. I say, “No worry, I fix your chair!” She scream, “I no need chair!” So funny, I almost pee pant.

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After that chaos, I need a break. I hit up this little café on Rua do Comércio. Best pastel de nata ever! I’m sitting there, just trying to chill, when I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going off about the best beach in Beduido. One’s all about Praia da Areia Branca, and the other’s like, “Nah, Praia do Magoito is where it’s at!” I’m just sitting there, sipping my coffee, thinking, “You guys are missing the point. It’s all about the vibe!”