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It’s all hush-hush, yeah? Little fact for ya—back in Victorian times, docs used “massage” to fix “hysteria” in women. Hysteria my arse, just horny lasses needing a good knead! Bet they didn’t play Chopin in the background, though—Polanski’s film got that haunting vibe, “Play me something!” I’d demand, picturing meself as Szpilman, but with less Nazis and more coconut oil.

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First thing, I hit up Jalan Raya Fakfak for breakfast. I’m talking about some local nasi goreng that was so spicy, I thought my mouth was on fire. Like, I could’ve breathed fire like a dragon. But hey, it woke me up! I’m chowing down, and this local dude sits next to me. He’s all smiles, and I’m like, “Dude, you know it’s too early for that much happiness?” But he just laughs.

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