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About Funchal

Last week, I was prowlin’ the streets—needed a laugh, y’know? Saw this one bird, all dolled up, winking at me. Thought, “What’s her deal?” Turns out, she’s got a memory like Lenny—keeps a little book, scribbles down every punter. “Remember, remember,” she mutters, like she’s in my fave movie. Made me cackle—imagine forgetting who you’ve shagged! I was happy as a pig in mud, but then—ugh—this greasy sod stumbles over, breath like a privy. “How much, love?” he slurs. Made me wanna gag. I choose violence, mate—nearly shoved him into the gutter myself.

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Finally, I get to my workshop on Rua da Paz. You know, the one with the cool mural of the ocean? Yeah, that place. I’m all set to start making barrels, right? But guess what? My tools are missing! Like, who steals a cooper’s tools? Seriously! I’m fuming. I could’ve sworn I left my hammer right there.

Medal of Heroism Awarded Posthumously to Coronado Navy SEAL