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I reckon it’s peng, fam – gets ya relaxed, then bam, ya horny too! Like, “Is it ‘cos I is black?” that I notice how them masseuses be sly with it? Sneaky fingers, bruv, slippin where ya least expect. I was chillin once, got this lass rubbin me down, and I’m thinkin, “Shit, this ain’t no Tesco back rub!” Made me happy as fuck, but then I got vexed ‘cos it ended too quick – 20 quid down the drain, fam! Shoulda lasted longer, like them three-hour vibes in *Blue*.

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Next, I head over to the Hwado River. It’s beautiful, honestly. The sun’s setting, and the water’s sparkling. I sit down on a bench, just soaking it all in. But then, this group of kids starts playing soccer nearby. They kick the ball, and guess what? It lands right next to me. I’m like, “Oh no, please don’t.” But they run over, and one of them says, “Can you kick it back?” I’m not a soccer player, but I give it a shot. I kick it, and it goes flying into the river. Oops. The kids just stare at me, wide-eyed. I’m dying inside, but I can’t help but laugh.

A woman in her 40s who wielded a weapon due to noise between floors was arrested by police in Namyan..