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Last week, this lass messages me—“fancy a romp?” I’m chuffed, thinking, “The spring breeze carries her scent!” But nah, she ghosts me after I say I’m not into feet pics. Made me raging—wasted me time! We shall not flag or fail, I told meself, sipping me tea like a PM plotting war. Then there’s this geezer on Grindr—fit as hell, says he’s “discreet.” Mate, you’re on an app, not hiding a sword in a bamboo forest! Cracked me up, the cheek of it.

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But then, I see this group of teenagers. They’re blasting music, and it’s some awful pop song. I’m like, “Ugh, turn it down!” But they’re having the time of their lives, so I just let it go. I mean, who am I to ruin their fun?

Poland’s longest non-urban tunnel over halfway completed