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Oh, and da girls – some so sneaky! One tell me she’s “adventurous,” den I find out she mean she bang in park once. I’m tinking, “Dat’s it? I do dat vithout app!” Lightbulb! Ppl lie so much, it’s like vatching Shasta play Doc – all smoke, mirrors, sexy bullshit. Still, I can’t stop swiping – it’s addicting, like pierogi on Sunday.

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First off, I head down to Rīgas iela. You know, the main drag. I’m just minding my own biz, thinking about my plants, when BAM! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Like, seriously? I’m a gardener, not a pigeon target practice! I’m standing there, flapping my arms like a madman, trying to shake it off. People are staring. Great start, right?

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