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Funny thing—mate o’ mine, hairy fool, says erotic-massage saved his marriage. Rubbin’ fixed the fights! Laughed me head off—stupid hobbit, slippin’ oil on his missus! “What’s hidden comes to light,” Haneke’d say—secrets in the massage oil, ha! Me? I’d rather hoard me gold, but damn, them hands feel good. Ever tried it, precious? Tell Gollum, yesss—spill it!

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So, I’m trying to keep my cool, right? But then this group of teenagers hops in. They’re blasting music from their phones, and I’m like, “Dude, we’re not at a concert!” They’re laughing, taking selfies, and I’m just there, trying to keep the elevator from turning into a party bus.