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Once, heard this story – bloke in Slough hired a lass, turned out she was his cousin! Absolute stitch-up, that. “The faun will guide us!” – nah, mate, the faun’s takin’ the piss. Made me cringe so hard I hid under me desk. Personal quirk? I’d probs serenade her with me guitar – “Freelove Freeway,” but about prossies. Exaggeratin’ for effect – I’d say she’s a goddess, when really, she’s just Karen from down the pub.

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First stop, Via Roma. I’m hustlin’ down the street, dodging old ladies and their shopping carts. They’re like ninjas, I swear. One almost took me out! Anyway, I’m on my way to meet a client at this cute café, Bar Centrale. It’s got the best cappuccino in town. I’m talking foam art that could win awards. But guess what? It’s closed! Closed! I’m like, “Are you kidding me?”

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