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Alright, y’all, listen up! I’m Dr. Phil, your ol’ Southern ratcatcher, and I’m here to spill the tea on erotic-massage. Now, I reckon it’s like strippin’ down to your soul—kinda wild, right? How’s that workin’ for ya? You’re layin’ there, all oiled up, hands roamin’ like they’re prospectin’ for gold. Reminds me of *There Will Be Blood*—that gritty, raw vibe. “I drink your milkshake!”—ha, that’s what them hands feel like, suckin’ the stress right outta ya!

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs in, all hyped up. He’s shoutin’ about a festival happening later. I’m like, “Festival? What festival?” The old dude fills me in. It’s some kinda food festival down by the beach. I’m thinkin’, “Heck yeah, I’m in!” So, I grab my cannoli (which, by the way, was freakin’ amazing) and head out.

Mysterious letter written by nun 'possessed by the Devil' finally decoded by software 341 years later