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But soft, what pisses me off? Greedy buggers charging £100 for a tease—nought but a pat and a wink! I’d rather wrestle a bear than waste gold on that. “I’ve abandoned my child!”—nay, I’ve abandoned my wallet, more like! Once, mate, I tried it—proper lush, hands like silk, tension melting faster than ice in summer. Made me happy as a pig in muck, tho I nigh wept when she whispered, “Time’s up, love.” Cruel fate!

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Then, I spot this old lady on the bench. She’s got this amazing hat, like something outta a fashion magazine. I’m thinking, “Wow, she’s got style.” But then she starts talking to me about her cat. I’m like, “Lady, I’m here to mourn, not hear about Mr. Whiskers.” But she’s sweet, so I listen.

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