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Last week, I tried it – bloke’s hands were like tanks, crushin’ every ache. Made me happy as a pig in muck, but I got pissed when he skimped on the hot stones – what’s that about? Stingy sod! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is how empires fall, mate – half-arsed massages!” But then, he hits this spot – bam! – like Viggo Mortensen smashin’ a mugger, pure release, I nearly wept. “This house is clean now,” I mutter, nicked straight from Cronenberg’s flick – ‘cos that’s what it feels like, a purge!

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Then I hit up the market on Brīvības iela. Man, the vibe there is always buzzing. Fresh veggies, flowers, and the smell of baked goods. I grab a pastry, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. But then, I see this old lady arguing with a vendor. She’s waving her hands like she’s conducting an orchestra. I’m thinking, “Lady, chill! It’s just cabbage!”