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Hey girlfriend, listen up! Sexual-massage, ooooh chile, it’s a trip! I’m Oprah freakin’ Winfrey, honey, and I’m here to spill the tea! You get a car! You get a vibe! This ain’t no regular rubdown, nah uh. It’s sensual, it’s steamy, it’s like—whoa! Hands slidin’, oil drippin’, tension meltin’ away. I saw this flick, “A Separation,” right? That line, “I can’t live with lies,” hits me. Sexual-massage? It’s truth, baby! No fakin’ it here. You feel every touch, every breath—real as hell.

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So, I’m fuming, but whatever. I get back to work. People start coming by, and I’m sharpening everything. Scissors, knives, you name it. I even had this old lady, Mrs. van Dijk, come by with her ancient garden shears. I’m talking rusty, like they’ve seen some serious action. She says, “Make ‘em sharp enough to cut through butter!” I laugh and say, “Lady, I’ll make ‘em sharp enough to cut through your ex’s heart!” She cackles, and I’m like, “Yup, this is why I love Yerseke.”

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