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About London

Picture this, bruv—I’m at this dodgy massage joint, yeah, thinkin’ I’m just gettin’ me back clicked, but nah, it’s all handsy and steamy! I’m like, “Is it ‘cos I is black?” ‘cos the geezer’s givin’ me these mad looks while he’s oilin’ me up. Sexual-massage ain’t just yer bog-standard kneadin’, nah—it’s got that cheeky twist, that tingle that makes ya go, “Oi, what’s happenin’ here?!” Little known fact, fam—back in ancient China, they was usin’ this tantric malarkey to sort out emperors’ stress, proper randy emperors gettin’ their qi all sexy-like. Mad, innit?

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After that little disaster, I decide to stroll down to Oadby’s park. You know, the one by the Oadby Cemetery? It’s actually pretty nice. I’m walkin’ along the path, and I see this old dude feeding the ducks. I’m thinkin’, “Man, that’s the life.” Just chillin’ with ducks. But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches his bread! I’m like, “What the heck?!” The guy’s flabbergasted, and I can’t help but laugh.

Oadby and Wigston parking charges to be introduced