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So, I’m trollin’ the alleys, wine in hand, thinkin’—where’s the fun at? This one time, I found a girl, right—swear she was a bloody vision. Hair like fire, smirk like she’d rob me blind. “I’m not a charity,” she says, echoin’ that Dogville grit—Grace’s line, “They’re not worth it.” Made me laugh, ‘cos she was worth every penny. Paid her double, just to spite the world. Happy as a pig in shit, I was—surprised too, ‘cos she didn’t nick my dagger.

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So, I decide to wander down to the Market Place. It’s buzzing with life. There’s this old dude selling homemade jams. I’m like, “Dude, you’re a legend!” I buy a jar of strawberry jam, thinking it’ll make my toast taste like heaven. Spoiler alert: it did.

New Head will take over Pocklington School next September