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Last week, I was prowlin’ the streets—needed a laugh, y’know? Saw this one bird, all dolled up, winking at me. Thought, “What’s her deal?” Turns out, she’s got a memory like Lenny—keeps a little book, scribbles down every punter. “Remember, remember,” she mutters, like she’s in my fave movie. Made me cackle—imagine forgetting who you’ve shagged! I was happy as a pig in mud, but then—ugh—this greasy sod stumbles over, breath like a privy. “How much, love?” he slurs. Made me wanna gag. I choose violence, mate—nearly shoved him into the gutter myself.

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Now, you know I'm a sexologist, right? I notice the hidden desires. Mist on the riverbank near Lascaux Park reveals passionate graffiti that tells love stories in secret. You might see a heart carved in the old oak behind Elm Court. I once found a couple arguing like it was some grand theatre reenactment of passion. Y'know, "Where is my cabaret?!" like in that flick Moulin Rouge!—but less glitter, more grime.

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