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Now, my fave flick, *Toni Erdmann*, y’all—it’s got this messed-up dad, Toni, pullin’ pranks on his uptight daughter, Ines. Sex-dating’s kinda like that, ain’t it? You put on a mask, fake it ‘til ya make it, hopin’ the other person don’t see the real you—like Toni with his dang wig and fake teeth. “Who needs enemies when you’ve got family?” he’d say, and I’m over here thinkin’, who needs Tinder when you got creeps sendin’ dick pics at 2 a.m.?

Here’s to dating with confidence.

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First off, I head down to my shop on Wairakei Road. It’s a cozy little place, you know? Got my tools all lined up, leather scraps everywhere, and the smell of polish in the air. I love it. But then, boom! My mate, Dave, strolls in. He’s all like, “Bro, you gotta help me out!” Turns out, he’s got a wedding to go to, and his shoes? Total wreck. I mean, c’mon, who lets their shoes get that bad?

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