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So, what’s it bout? Some chick or dude—prolly named Chad—rubs ya with lotion, gets all up in your grill, tryna “release tension.” Tension? I release that punchin’ trees. Little known fact—back in ancient Rome, they had these baths, right? Rich jerks gettin’ oiled up by slaves, erotic as hell, but nobody talks bout the awkwardness. Prolly smelled like olives and regret. Makes me mad—why’s everyone so soft now? Can’t just chop wood and call it a day?

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Then, I see this commotion near the fountain. Turns out, some kid’s dog jumped in, and everyone’s freakin’ out. I’m like, “Dude, it’s just water!” But the kid was cryin’ like he lost his best friend. So, I jump in to help. I’m not a dog whisperer, but I managed to coax the pup out. The kid was so happy, he hugged me like I was his long-lost uncle. I mean, I’m just doin’ my job, right?

4 people, including Arroyo Terminals owner, indicted in scheme to smuggle crude oil into the country