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Ever tried it? Skin’s all tingly, “whoa,” like Keanu-level zen. My fave part? Oils, man—smell’s like heaven, not that dentist chair stink. But once, this chick’s hands—too rough, like sandpaper. Ugh, ruined it. Thought, “This ain’t no dream, it’s a requiem!” Had to laugh—imagine Jared Leto trippin’ into that mess. “The walls are melting!”—nah, just my back knots.

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Anyway, I’m poking around the yard, and I spot this old shed. It’s practically falling apart. I’m like, “What’s in there?” He’s all, “Nothing, just junk.” But I’m curious, so I pry it open. And boom! There’s a stash of old roofing tiles. I’m thinking, “Aha! Caught ya!”

‘I have never argued with anyone’: Ethel Caterham becomes world's oldest person